Socializing

People want to talk to me lately. Random people at random places want to stand around for 30 minutes and tell me their life story. The delivery guy who brings me the dog-stuff I order from the online shop, the clerk at the bank, my handler, my teacher at the business class, the pizza guy, the mechanic who changes my tires, the postman, someone I knew in high school but haven't met for 15 years... Pretty much all the people I have casual contact with during my visits to the town or who come by my house on an errand  want to extend that brief contact to a meaningful conversation for some reason. Or just stand around and chat. I don't really do chat or small talk, it's an incredibly difficult concept to master for an Aspie. So I nod and smile a lot and sometimes grunt sympathetically and they just go on and on, telling me things I don't tell my closest friends and acting like it's all casual and normal. Is the world getting really THAT bad, that anyone without a smartphone in their hand will do as a confessor? People are willing to spill their guts to anyone who looks friendly and will listen? I've never been a very approachable person, my features are stern-looking and I'm often serious - a combination, that makes me look angry. And I always look like I'm hurrying somewhere. So it's not about me looking like a therapist and inducing this will to confide in everyone I meet. It's weird. I don't mind, it's not like it's unpleasant to listen to people talk about themselves, some of them are really interesting individuals and someone SHOULD listen to them, they have a lot to say. But it's difficult for me to hold up a conversation, a lot more difficult than it would be for anyone normal. Asperger's is one thing, my natural timidness and instinct to avoid other people is another, and they make a killer combo for casual acquaintances. It's a lot of work for me to talk to strangers and it wears me out. But that's not even the main reason this phenomenon freaks me out. The main question in my head is - why? Why do these strangers need someone they don't know to listen to their stories? Most of them have friends and family, loved ones, close relationships. Don't those people listen? Is the whole world turned into smartphone-zombies already? Is this it, is this the reason? Are their loved ones so submerged in their online worlds they forget to pay attention to the people that are right there by their side? Now that scares me. Anyway. Ask your loved ones how they are. How their day went. Are they happy. What bothers them. What do they dream of. Listen to them. Put your phones away. I never get anything done if I need to listen to all the stories of all the people I meet... 

Time

See hetk, kui sa äkitselt taipad, mida teine sulle öelda tahtis - 10 aastat pärast vestluse toimumist. Mul on päris hea meel, et tollal teineteisest mööda rääkisime - mu elu oleks väga teistsugune, kui oleksin Sinust õigesti aru saanud. Ja ma olen täiesti veendunud, et praegune versioon meeldib mulle rohkem. Aga tea, et ma vahel siiski mõtlen Sinust. Mitte kahetsusega - see on mingi kummaline härduse ja nostalgia vahepealne emotsioon, millel ilmselt nime ei olegi. Aga tea, et ma NÜÜD mõistan (ma tean, et Sa mõnikord lugemas käid). Mõned muud asjad loksusid ka paika peale seda äratundmist. Ma tean, et Sa andestad. Aga sorry ikkagi - ma tõesti ei tulnud selle peale toona. Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to. 

Je t'embrasse!

-Lumivalgeke-

Subatlantic meeting

you walk along the winding road

I anticipate you from afar

and white birds fly between us

it's so good my dear, that you never know

never know what's going on inside me

I await the flame that eats your cigarette from farther side

on other side - your lips so pretty

it is life my dear

that knocks us from our feet

and love

that lasts forever, do you hear me